Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = You are in trouble
Sure go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = You will pay later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie = = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = = I'd like to have sex with you
Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Life Before the Computer:
a memory is something that you lost with age
an application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
a web was a spider's home
a virus was the flu
a CD was a bank account
a hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and if you have a 3 1/2 inch floppy.............. you just hoped nobody found out.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Aggressive Marketing
Isang bagong vacuum cleaner salesman ang kumatok sa pinto ng unang bahay sa isang barangay. Isang babae ang nagbukas ng pinto. At bago pa nakapagsalita ang babae ay dali-daling pumasok papunta sa sala ang salesman, binuksan ang malaking plastic bag at ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae ng kalabaw sa carpet.
"Miss, kapag hindi nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko ang mga tae sa carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa iyan!", pagyayabang ng salesman.
"Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?" tanong ng babae.
Tanong ng salesman, "Bakit ho?"
"Eh, kalilipat lang namin. Wala pa kaming kuryente."
"Miss, kapag hindi nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko ang mga tae sa carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa iyan!", pagyayabang ng salesman.
"Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?" tanong ng babae.
Tanong ng salesman, "Bakit ho?"
"Eh, kalilipat lang namin. Wala pa kaming kuryente."
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Totally Hilarious! [Use your imagination]
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
1) Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6) Ask, "did you feel that?"
7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It’s okay, don’t panic. They’ll open up again."
9) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
10) Tell people that you can see their aura.
11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.
12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. Just Shut up!!!"
13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, as "Got enough air in there?"
14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You’re one of THEM," and back away slowly.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce "I have new socks on."
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"
22) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
25) Hold the doors open, and say that you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how’s your day been?"
26) Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That’s mine!"
1) Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6) Ask, "did you feel that?"
7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It’s okay, don’t panic. They’ll open up again."
9) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
10) Tell people that you can see their aura.
11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.
12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. Just Shut up!!!"
13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, as "Got enough air in there?"
14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You’re one of THEM," and back away slowly.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce "I have new socks on."
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"
22) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
25) Hold the doors open, and say that you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how’s your day been?"
26) Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That’s mine!"
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Joke Time Muna!!! :]
[Received thru email]
Husband: Luv promise, simula ngayon iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
Wife: Wow, thank you luv! Ako naman I promise, ang next nating anak, ikaw na ama!
Nanonood ako ng mga ants na naglalakad sa wall. Kahit busy sila, they still stop and communicate. Sana tayo ring mga tao, we could be more like the ants - naglalakad sa walls!
Dumating yung ngongo sa bahay nila at tinakpan niya ang mata ng misis nya.
Ngongo: Nges oo
Wife: Buwisit `to, `nges oo, nges oo' ka pa diyan, eh ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito!
Dear GOD, please don't lead me into temptation…I already know the way.
A playboy died. During the mass:
Priest: He's an honest guy, a good husband and a family man!
Wife: (whispered to her son) Anak, tignan mo nga baka di na si papa mo yung nakaburol.
4 job applicants were asked: "What is the fastestthing in the world?"
The German said, "Thought".
The American said, "A blink of an eye".
The Aussie said, "Light".
The Pinoy said, "Diarrhea!"
Pinoy: "Lit mi eksplin. Dis murning, I hab istumak ek, I run to di tuylet but bipor I kud tink, blenk, or eben swits on di lyt, tangna, der was syet en my pants olridi, su past!"
BATA: "Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat nalang ng gawin ko mali! Di nyo na ako mahal!"
AMA: "Nagkakamali ka anak…"
BATA: "Syet, mali nanaman ako!"
Woman with sick baby went to the clinic.
Doctor: "Is he bottlefed?"
Woman: "Breastfed po, doc." (Doctor starts squeezing the woman's nipples)
Doctor: "That's why he's sick, you're not producing milk."
Woman : "Yaya lang ako, doc! YAYA!"
Celebrity quote: "Noodle! Noodle! NOODLE!!!" - Manny Pacquiao on "Deal or No Deal".
DOC: "Hubad na iha, wag kang matakot. I will not take advantage of you, general check-up lang `to."
GIRL: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty ko?"
DOC: "Diyan lang sa tabi ng brief ko…"
News Flash: "Snow White, thrown out of Disneyland! She pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted, 'Lie, you bastard, lie!'"
"Sana radyo ka nalang, para pag naririnig kitang kumanta, puwede kitang patayin."
"Beauty is only superfical. It's the character that makes a pers0n who they really are" - motto yan ng mga PANGET!
TITSER: "Who can give an example of a tag question?"
PUPIL: "My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?"
TITSER: "Very good! Itagalog mo nga!"
PUPIL: "Si ma'am ay maganda, hindi naman diba?"
Pinaka common mistake ng isang girl during a job interview ay ang pagsagot ng…
"KAHIT ANUNG POSISYON PO SIR, BASTA MAKAPASOK LANG."
"Tandaan mo anak ang batang sinungaling ay di na tatangkad, uusli ang ipin, liliit ang binti at tutubuan ng malaking nunal sa mukha." - Diosdado Macapagal
"Rooster and cat goes over a bridge. Cat slips and falls in the river. Rooster can't stop laughing. The moral of the
story: wherever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock."
MGA KASABIHAN:
Aanhin mo ang gwapo, kung mas malandi pa sa `yo?
Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare.
Sa hinaba-habanng prosisyon, bading din pala ang magiging karelasyon.
Matalino man ang bading, napeperahan pa rin.
Ang di marun0ng magmahal sa sariling wika, sa callcenter naglipana.
Virginity is neither a sign of purity nor dignity. It's a sign of a lack of opportunity.
Husband: Luv promise, simula ngayon iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
Wife: Wow, thank you luv! Ako naman I promise, ang next nating anak, ikaw na ama!
Nanonood ako ng mga ants na naglalakad sa wall. Kahit busy sila, they still stop and communicate. Sana tayo ring mga tao, we could be more like the ants - naglalakad sa walls!
Dumating yung ngongo sa bahay nila at tinakpan niya ang mata ng misis nya.
Ngongo: Nges oo
Wife: Buwisit `to, `nges oo, nges oo' ka pa diyan, eh ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito!
Dear GOD, please don't lead me into temptation…I already know the way.
A playboy died. During the mass:
Priest: He's an honest guy, a good husband and a family man!
Wife: (whispered to her son) Anak, tignan mo nga baka di na si papa mo yung nakaburol.
4 job applicants were asked: "What is the fastestthing in the world?"
The German said, "Thought".
The American said, "A blink of an eye".
The Aussie said, "Light".
The Pinoy said, "Diarrhea!"
Pinoy: "Lit mi eksplin. Dis murning, I hab istumak ek, I run to di tuylet but bipor I kud tink, blenk, or eben swits on di lyt, tangna, der was syet en my pants olridi, su past!"
BATA: "Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat nalang ng gawin ko mali! Di nyo na ako mahal!"
AMA: "Nagkakamali ka anak…"
BATA: "Syet, mali nanaman ako!"
Woman with sick baby went to the clinic.
Doctor: "Is he bottlefed?"
Woman: "Breastfed po, doc." (Doctor starts squeezing the woman's nipples)
Doctor: "That's why he's sick, you're not producing milk."
Woman : "Yaya lang ako, doc! YAYA!"
Celebrity quote: "Noodle! Noodle! NOODLE!!!" - Manny Pacquiao on "Deal or No Deal".
DOC: "Hubad na iha, wag kang matakot. I will not take advantage of you, general check-up lang `to."
GIRL: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty ko?"
DOC: "Diyan lang sa tabi ng brief ko…"
News Flash: "Snow White, thrown out of Disneyland! She pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted, 'Lie, you bastard, lie!'"
"Sana radyo ka nalang, para pag naririnig kitang kumanta, puwede kitang patayin."
"Beauty is only superfical. It's the character that makes a pers0n who they really are" - motto yan ng mga PANGET!
TITSER: "Who can give an example of a tag question?"
PUPIL: "My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?"
TITSER: "Very good! Itagalog mo nga!"
PUPIL: "Si ma'am ay maganda, hindi naman diba?"
Pinaka common mistake ng isang girl during a job interview ay ang pagsagot ng…
"KAHIT ANUNG POSISYON PO SIR, BASTA MAKAPASOK LANG."
"Tandaan mo anak ang batang sinungaling ay di na tatangkad, uusli ang ipin, liliit ang binti at tutubuan ng malaking nunal sa mukha." - Diosdado Macapagal
"Rooster and cat goes over a bridge. Cat slips and falls in the river. Rooster can't stop laughing. The moral of the
story: wherever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock."
MGA KASABIHAN:
Aanhin mo ang gwapo, kung mas malandi pa sa `yo?
Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare.
Sa hinaba-habanng prosisyon, bading din pala ang magiging karelasyon.
Matalino man ang bading, napeperahan pa rin.
Ang di marun0ng magmahal sa sariling wika, sa callcenter naglipana.
Virginity is neither a sign of purity nor dignity. It's a sign of a lack of opportunity.
Monday, August 20, 2007
May Point Ka Dyan ... :]
Stuff That Annoys People
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
[Source: www.nerdtests.com]
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